freedom lies in being bold

shooting star

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 09:11:00 GMT

if i had one wish right now, one wish in my entire imagination, it would be that i could be in the middle of nowhere - RIGHT NOW, on a lake in northern michigan, sitting on a dark beach, staring at the sky while it lights up and thousands of meteors streak across the night sky. if i could have one wish, it would be to share that moment with anyone, with someone, to just sit there and be in awe of nature.

humans are so small. stars are so brilliant. one day, i wish to be among them.

-a

ambivalent

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 07:36:02 GMT

it seems that nowadays i am more ambivalent than anything else - more ambivalent than ambiguous, more ambivalent than apathetic. i have feelings but they're so confused, so mixed up that i can't seem to figure out which foot goes in front of the other, much less the rest of my life.

if every social connection i ever had was a bridge, i'd say that i rarely burn bridges. i let them decay. i let them fall apart from disuse until they crumble and all that remains is this pathetic frame of what used to be a bridge.

and i guess i am that island that needs these bridges, i need these connections to get away from myself. i can't really understand who i am or what i want, really, because i need these connections, but i need them for me. i can't be left alone, not with my thoughts, not with anything. it's sad, really - i was raised as an only child, left home alone often, and maybe that's why i feel so desperate to connect with and be with people. i can't eat alone. i can't do it, i can't do it at all. i can barely shop alone. i'm physically independent but socially addicted. i'd say that i'm the ultimate social chameleon, but also i can't figure out my true colors. when am i the most comfortable with being myself? i'd say that's with my closest friends, when banter turns to serious and every word is honest.

honesty.

i wish honesty was more appreciated in this world. i wish more people were sincere and less people played games. i wish people would tell it to me straight - and do me the favor, and i wish i could do the same. i don't know if i'm a liar or just a coward.

i'm so ambivalent i'm not even making sense. i haven't written in a while and i should. i should really update, or at least creatively ramble, like i used to. i wish i had some sort of message i could disguise as an anecdote, but really all i have is this. shades of my former self, a walking contradiction. how i wish things were different sometimes, how i wish time weren't moving so fast.

-a

stone slate - emotionless fate

Sun, 10 May 2009 07:50:48 GMT

you once told me you wanted to be with me forever. that scared and excited me. now you say you can never forgive me.

why do you do this to me?
-a

i wish i wrote better.

Thu, 07 May 2009 05:12:44 GMT

it's always so strange to rewind my thoughts and my state of mind and go back to my older posts and just think, "man, what was i thinking?" but at the same time, guiltily think, "i can write pretty well sometimes".

it's a little egotistical but at the same time it's like i keep surprising myself. i can be so better, or so murderous, or so numb, or so anxious, and, well, i guess it's just nice to know that i used to feel. something.

at my most dangerous.

Thu, 07 May 2009 04:45:57 GMT

it's hard to live life when you have nothing to look forward to.

the young, the bright - the hopeful, where have you gone?
it's hard to get up when you're burned out. it's hard to think when you're minds torn out.

the hazards of life - the fall from your perch - the crash to the ground.

sometimes i'm not anxious, sometimes i'm just existence. i am a stone, i am a statue.

i sit in my chair, i look at the ceiling - i waste my time. i don't know where this is going. i don't know where life ends and where it begins. i don't know if happiness ever comes or if feeling numb is the only feeling i'll ever have. sometimes, sometimes - sometimes - sometimes - sometimes i work, sometimes - sometimes - sometimes i work towards something, my mind - my mind - focuses, sometimes it does, yeah. sometimes i focus on things, sometimes i focus on problems, and i am constructive.

i guess, just don't leave me alone. with a room. and a keyboard. just don't leave me.
-a

bleed the same blood

Tue, 05 May 2009 01:26:42 GMT

we feel isolated in our pain every time, but there are so many others who have been down the same road. it seems like the only time we can actually connect with other people is when we tear our hearts open and bleed together. it's a small consolation - but it's better than nothing. and still i sit here in a daze, my mind numb. my heart's torn out and i'm still looking for it. i can't stand this. i can't stand this one bit.

i want to tear myself apart.

-a

at my absolute worst.

Sun, 03 May 2009 12:38:53 GMT

i am at my absolute worst right now.

i am just a zombie. i am just a creature. when i drink i let out my monsters. there is something wrong with me.

why do i do the things i do?

please remember this alex. just do. remember how you feel right now. remember how you cannot sleep, how your stomach hurts, and you just want to vomit - but you can't. remember how you cannot think about anything else. how it consumes you.

i wish i had consumption. i wish whatever lurks within me, my rotted walls, just killed me already. i wish things were different. hopefully this will be a memory. but right now, i'm at my worst.

at the precipice again

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 06:57:16 GMT

do we find ourselves at some great crevasse at every point in our lives? like we're on the docks at the great lake of the "real world" and we're about to board? i guess it's probably more like island hopping, because i've written about this so much, and i feel like this is just the beginning. but every four years, it's another transition, it's another point at which i set sail and i leave things behind.

the past is a fickle creature. that's for sure.

i consider myself an honest person. as honest as i need to be, maybe. sometimes i'll embellish, which is so foolish, but often i'll be genuine. i think and feel genuine thoughts. i have genuine opinions. i will not change my opinions or my demeanor towards different people. i think the most honest people are the people that are the same even when your back is turned. i strive to be that kind of person.

i also try to keep an open mind, because i would like people to have an open mind about me. it's hard to do this sometimes, given the environment in which i grew up and currently live in, but that's something i strive to maintain. if i don't like you i'll try to understand you. but please, understand - complete impartiality towards anything is impossible.

with this said, i think it's so...strange, and embarrassing that i find these old posts of myself, on a different site, embellishing sexual scenarios. let's be honest, i didn't undergo the type of transition into who i am truly today until my junior year. god, my embellishment. it's this dishonesty of mine that lurks in my past. every day i try to convince myself, "from now on, i will be honest about everything" but i still can't. things about my past, my family, those remain secret. i partially blame the atmosphere her but i also blame myself.

maybe next time.

there is so much more to say but i have old posts to read. i will be back.

-a

the past is a fickle creature

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 07:34:37 GMT

i always find myself on here on the eve of some large academic event, like some sort of oasis for the mind, a respite for my troubled brain, bending under memorization and algorithms. i waste my precious time vomiting words on a screen simply because it's not what i'm supposed to do, at this moment.

is it scary to think that even years after i've had all this angst, all this worry and fear about the future, that i'm right where i'm started? except i'm at some sort of precipice, like i'm going to be pushed off of fantasy young-man land and into the depths of the real world soon. to think that i thought that was coming there years ago. it's almost prophetic.

now i'm in my junior year of college, still a young lad but getting old at heart. i've got my future planned out, someone told me i have "tunnel vision" - but isn't it strange how life comes full circle? four years ago i was worrying about my grades, letters of recommendations, etc., for college. i get to do that all over again, as i apply to graduate school.

and where do i go from there?

you know what my dream is? i've always wanted to be a marine biologist. so i can live near the beach and go on excursions and record the migratory pattern of dolphins or whales. and just be alone with nature. i think that'd be the best, but that's not a living, now is it?

so back to work. back to amino acids and ligands and immobolizing proteins onto agarose beads for hemodialysis. back to throwing up factoids and statistics and back to talking out of my ass to my professors about every stupid detail because i'm that curious. i learn nothing but i'm always curious.

that's curious in itself.

i wish my memory were better.

i wish things were different.

-a

the words that changed my life.

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 08:36:29 GMT

i need to remember this, because my phone is temporary and my memory is temporary but hopefully this will be forever. i'm not sure if everything will be forever but these words will always be in my mind, in my memory, as they sent chills down my spine when i first read them, as they tore my heart open and exposed me as the lovestruck little boy i actually am. these words changed my life and i will never forget them, or the girl that wrote them.

"You just made me the happiest girl in the world. You have my heart too, Alex, and you always will, because I am so in love with you Alex Jiao.

[...]

I Miss you too each day kills me inside. You changed my life Alex, I couldn't be any happier. And I really do love you."

-a

posts from the bedroom, insecure and lonesome babblings

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 08:56:47 GMT

When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.

When is a home not a home?

When you're twenty and you live out of your dormroom three quarters of the year. When you realize you'll be spending the summer away, too, and when people ask you for your address, it's a city five hundred miles away. A home is not a home anymore when you come back and it doesn't feel like home because there's nothing left for you anymore. A home is a home when it's got this warm, protective aura - when you're a kid again and your home is safe and comfortable and you love your house. That's a home.

A home is not a home when your pets die and your habits fade and nothing's left except for the woman who lives there - who happens to be your mother. Your home is not your home anymore when you start growing up and you've signed a lease to an apartment in a different city. A home is not a home anymore when you go to your old high school and you don't see a single face you recognize, not even the teachers. A home is not a home anymore when even the cars in the garage are different. A home is not a home anymore when you've got a fucked up sleep schedule and you can't adjust because you're used to living one way but you want to scream and try to live another way.

A home is not a home when you start thinking about where you're going to live the rest of your lives. A home is not a home when people write letters to that address and you'll never see them. A home is not a home when you don't fucking feel at home. A home is not a home when you're where I'm at.

And isn't that fucking frightening?

You know what I do sometimes? It's fucked up, but I go through my entire friends list on Facebook and just "check up" on people. Because I've got a better memory than some, or many, would imagine. I've friended maybe 40 people total on Facebook but I remember everyone. And not just a face to a name but something about them, too. All these different people, all these different memories. You, we were on a field trip together in 8th grade and you were the new guy and kind of annoying but really nice at heart. You, we were in the same homecoming group in 10th grade and I thought we would be best friends. You, you used to talk to me every day in 9th grade and I appreciated it. You, I thought we would be best friends for a long time because we understood each other like many people didn't, but I fucked that one up. You, we used to hang out all the time but we don't and I doubt we ever will. You, you sat behind me in math class. You, I had a crush on you in 6th grade. You, we cuddled once and looked face to face but I was too insecure to make the first move. You, you kissed me on the lips just once but it meant everything to me. You, you told me I'd be a good boyfriend and I liked you and you liked me but I couldn't respond and I just stood there.

You.

I remember people and I love people for who they are. And I really miss that. I remember a whole damn lot, and I miss a lot of people. But some things will never changed.

You know what else is fucked up? When you've killed your own social life with your own apathy and cynicism. When you long so much to talk and see certain people again because you miss them but you can't because it's been so long since you've talked to them. Cause you fucked up. Well, cause I fucked up. Cause it's mostly my fault. Some people take the effort and I just don't care enough to take the effort back - and it's not like I don't care about you. I do. But I just don't express it the right way. To me, a test is an e-mail is a message is a phone call is a personalized in real fucking life meeting. If I communicate to you, you mean something to me. Remember that. I miss a lot of people.

So the real fucked up thing is where I'm at now. My house. But not really. I'm a nomad now, I don't feel at home anywhere and I don't know anyone and I'm not close to anyone but I wish I were again. I wish my cat were alive and I had my best friends back and I could drive over to certain people's houses and not get greeted at the door with strange looks and awkward silence. I wish I could right every one of my wrongs but to be honest, it's too late. I've always been immature and I'd be a fool to think I wasn't anymore but at least I realize it - when I look back on some of the things I've down, wow. I've let a lot of people down, including myself.

But regret nothing.

A home is not a home when you're a grown up, cynical and bitter college boy who's just alone, alone, alone.

In Memory

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 21:34:10 GMT

Dear diary,
dear world.

I lost my friend today. I lost one of the closest friends I've ever had. She grew up with me since the tender age of ten and now she's not here anymore. I don't know how everyone else feels about this, how little they care, but I was so attached to her - I can't stop but feel as miserable as possible. When I think about this, I start to cry. I can't bear it anymore.

I can't write about this now.

I'll write about this later.

But I miss my cat.

I miss my true friend.

-A

little boy

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 16:18:13 GMT

i've finally realized that what's "holding" me back is this stunning lack of self-confidence, an incapability of being myself without contradicting my own values. i'm boyish and childish and i not only act this way, i look this way, or i feel i like this way, and my confidence compromised - i've noticed, but never acknowledged, my desire to look or appear older. i revel whenever i don't get IDed when purchasing tickets or cigarettes, i'm vindicated when i pass through bar bouncers or purchase liquor. there's this tiny thought, this whole, "they bought it, they bought it, i look like i'm 21!" - and i love it.

the problem is that i'm almost 21 to begin with and that this whole issue would come up - my personality as well - it's hard to describe. when thinking about it, just an absurd amount of shapes and thoughts materialize - girls are obviously interested in a more mature appearing and acting person - and can i - am i - that person?

is this possible?

i've also realized that i hold myself different when in the presence of someone of a different age group. just one year younger, schoolwise that is, i almost gain this aura of "confidence", this older, more mature persona that allows me to freely interact with whomever without any sort of fear of judgment. i just "know" that i'm older, i'm wiser, whatever, more mature, and this gives me confidence. on the other hand, to those my age, i must surely appear immature, funny but ultimately a little boy. a friend instead of a mate. i guess since i lack those intangible advantages, age and experience, i tend to "make up" for it by trying to elicit laughter, putting myself at a lesser position to humor others, non-stop talking and rambling. i'm young for my grade and i believe it shows - although this is a purely mental block. why can't i hold myself in confidence with my peers? i feel like i give a "been through it all, experienced things you haven't" aura when dealing with younger people, but i really wonder what kind of aura i give to those my own age.

i think it also has to do with 'social status' - with "less cool" individuals, i feel empowered, the leader, whatever, something stupid but ultimately i'm not afraid of their judgment. even if they were to judge me as stupid, immature, i'd brush it aside - reassure myself of my merits - and continue on. however, when dealing with my peers - socially - i'm awkward. as awkward as possible. no witty retorts, no insightful comments - just banter, just stupid fucking banter, my mouth vomits words and sentences as fast as possible in hopes one of them hooks, catches, one of them draws the attention and gains me admiration. this rarely happens and probably does more bad than good.

so how do i get there? how do i present a mature aura to those who are my peers when i'm almost certainly younger than they are, and more mature but less mature at the same time? why am i so bashful and playful with the ones i respect but yet so comfortable with the ones that respect me?

there really is no answer to this question but at least i am aware. i've seemed to have lost that bite, that wit, that quick retort that i've always had, that my confidence has never lacked. i've been relegated to only small talk with no sort of unique distinction - and when i try to overstep that normality, i believe i appear juvenile. oh sure, it's worked to draw others toward me - but at what cost? if it is the cost of their respect to me, then surely it's not worth it. how do mature people even converse in the first place? about what interesting things do they talk about?

and one last question, if i see someone i know on the sidewalk, do i maintain eye contact until i pass them? do i look down and then look up at the same time? if i look at them and they do not see me, do i look away? do i call their name in some pathetic attempt of recognition if they simply pass by? if we pass each other, do i stop them to talk? people are busy, after all. i wish i could just do a simple "hello" but do i just wait until they're near me while maintaining eye contact? isn't that creepy?

why the fuck are all social situations so strange? i wish there was an answer. i wish i was a confident person. i wish shit was different and i could change but atleast i'm aware and that's a start.

worthless
-a

how do we feel?

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 17:40:22 GMT

i do not think i am a happy person.
i do not think many of us truly are.

-a

post script

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 08:56:13 GMT

that s-s-s-stuttered voice, the mispoken words, dialect not chosen correctly, diction mistaken -

that liquored night, a bitter taste of reality which opens the mouth and finger and lets loose a barrage of nonsense which is ultimately, all too honest.

please do not judge the meek because we - trust me - are scared to death. how do you think of me?

it matters of the utmost importance.
-a

cerebral resonance

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 08:51:44 GMT

aren't we all craving that specific cerebral resonance?

that's what we're all wishing for, isn't it? another brain, another mind completely in sync with one's own thoughts and desires - that can understand another person better than that one person can even hope for.

it's hard to describe really - a sound of a muffled voice over a phone, the heavy breathing of sleep while both of you are trying to find out who will fall asleep first, who's willing to risk an end to the conversation - that friend who's able to complete each creative thought, each mis en scene with words that inflect your own. that person who you really truly know is perfectly compatible with you - not in a sexual way, in that gender way, but in that cerebral way - your minds are sync. your brains resonate at the same wavelengths and everything you think they think and vice versa.

that's what humanity is looking for, the perfect compliment to their thought patterns. that destructive interference that will nullify all waves to zero and create perfect harmony. for every ying, a yang - for every thought, an argument. sometimes i really wish i had that, sometimes i realize i did and i may have lost it - or maybe it's within reach and i have no clue how to obtain it.

i miss that sound over the phone, that perfect understanding of how one feels - that cliche'd readiness it takes to dedicate yourself to another. that feeling that every day you live your life to interact with just one other person. and i'm craving that connection, that connect that comes with someone who feels just as you do, with someone who agrees with you and argues with you not because he or she disagrees, but argues with you because they do agree, and so vehemently, and they have to find a way to distinguish their thoughts from yours.

i just wish i could take trips with people, alone, and just talk, and just eat, and sit, and drink, and pick their brains apart as they do the same - with no judgment - but at the end we do reserve our right to choose and we decide if we both choose in the positive. a real, cerebral date, rather than one filled with the meaninginglessness of a cliche'd popular movie, or bland food, or cold coffee - a date to understand the self.

see there are people that do exist in this society whom i feel i am a hundred percent compatible with, who i could throw my wasted wonton self at and connect with, who would bear my vices and i would accept their faults as gifts. i feel this perfect existence could easily be achieved, but i long to find it and never will.

-a

friends?

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 23:57:55 GMT

who are friends if they always forget you?

friends take friends for granted. our time is so valuable yet it's wasted. more pressing issues come up - but are they really that pressing? are they that important? sometimes people have to cancel, sometimes they're busy. that's understandable, that's life.

but you take your friends for granted, assuming they're that special constant in your life, and then you forget them. you bother them for favors but when they ask you're busy. you forget to call, you never write.

before you know it
maybe they're not your friend anymore.

Summer time.

Sat, 04 Aug 2007 19:51:38 GMT

So now it's summer and it's been like this for a while. I suppose I've done some pretty interesting stuff - leave the continent for one - but altogether it's like summer is "strange". Your life is on pause during the summer, you're aching to go back to school and be really productive and meet new people and enjoy college because it's that much better, but you're "stuck". Nothing happens during the summer, it's this slow, endless drain of jobs and half-assed drinking parties, of absurd heat and beautiful sunlight. I have good memories of the summer but it's already seemed like ages ago, and I still have a month and a half left.

But the scariest thing is just how fast everything is moving, just how old I am getting, just how quickly the years really have flown by. Before I'll know it, college will be a rustic old memory of the young days, the stupid days, and maybe I really will find myself trapped in khaki pants and button up dress shirts for the rest of my life. The next year of college will be my second, and at the end of that year, I will be officially halfway through the 'best times of my life'. The strangest thing was my coworkers assured me it doesn't get "that bad" when you're older. They can still have fun.

Which, I'm sure, is fun for them, but I can't imagine not being in this vibrant, social environment. I can't imagine leaving the comforts of pseudo-independence and academia for a real life version of Office Space. Sometimes I wish things were a little different - that I kept in contact with everyone from high school, that maybe I made a couple of different decisions in my life, but right now I'm at a strange, placid happiness. Not really happy, but perhaps content.

I've stopped looking at the future though, because the future is "now". That sounds bad but that's what I mean - before I know it, what will I have to look forward to? If every year was twice as long, if we had this infinite time - if the breath of the absurd didn't float down my neck every so often, reminding me that we're all dying, yes, we're all dying and you're wasting your life by sitting in a cubicle, that nothing is really happening at all...

-A

Still searching for that second piece.

Thoughts.

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 07:03:48 GMT

I hate, hate, hate pointless, small chit chat.

I've been analyzing conversations. How I talk to people, my friends, girls, ex friends, ex girlfriends, everything. And I've realized that when I talk to my best friends, my true friends, the conversations really isn't anything different, but at the same time it's so much more meaningful. I'd rather spend 5 minutes talking to one of them than pointlessly bantering with an ex-girlfriend.

I mean, you broke my heart after all.

I miss my friends. I miss a lot of things, and I'll miss college a lot. I need a girlfriend, I really need one and I've realized I'm in a bit of a spot - in Northville, I don't have any girls I like and the chances of me meeting new girls in a town I don't really live in is pretty small.

Yet, in college, the chances of me meeting girls I'll be able to see in the summer is small too.

I'm griping. I'm lonely and overworked and tired. I miss you all.

-A

Alone in his corner.

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 21:51:21 GMT

And do I contradict myself?

What is this sad state I find myself in? Not quite depressed, not quite catatonic, but somewhere inbetween. I find myself an awkward, silent little boy in the corner of my mind; nothing I say comes out right, nothing I do seems normal. Suddenly, it's as if I've lost my functions as a normal human. Suddenly, gone is my old self confidence in social situations, and now I struggle to fit in.

Is it possible for there two be two people who are simply incompatible? No matter the circumstances?

I've met that person, and of course, beyond all logical reasoning, I try to still talk to her. Yet our conversations are short, and brief, lacking all substance. We used to be able to talk. We used to be friends. It just seems to me, more and more, that I somehow ruin that. And that's a terrible feeling. I lose too many friends and I don't try hard enough with the ones I have; maybe it's just the truth that my best friends are the only ones I'll ever need, but when I need them, they're hundreds of miles away.

How can you be intimate with anyone in college? How do I find that type of girl that I can connect with emotionally? Maybe not even college, but ever?

I'm starting to lose my passion for life, I'm starting to lose my faith in myself and the possibility of meeting that person who is one hundred percent compatible with me. Because I have friends, and friends are good, but I need someone intimate, and I'm realizing that more and more. I don't think I've really ever had anyone like that, to be honest. I don't think, actually, that I've been honest ever in college. Over here, you're still completely unsure, you're putting on this constant facade to impress others or whatever. And suddenly, I'm not really sure who is under my facade, and what my personality really was like to begin with. I think my curse is my overanalysis of everything.

Every fumbled word, every meaningless conversation, every awkward silence is remembered. I wish I could be comfortable again, but maybe I should just make a change. I no longer have anyone to impress, I'm far too busy on my own to be worrying about how I come off to everyone else.

And my dream is to be a biologist or zoologist of some sort. I think I realize this now. To traverse the world, to gaze upon the brilliant blue sea and to stare into that epic sunset, that's something I'll forever want to do.

But now I must do my lab.

So farewell, for now.
-A

Growing up melancholy.

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 05:53:08 GMT

I haven't written in a while, and I really should have.

For all of you viewing this, all none of you - save myself, you'd be left with this image of a heartbroken, immature little boy.

I mean, he's still there. He's still immature. But oh, how the world has moved on, and oh, how he's struggled to keep up.

It's been ages. My heart has mended. There's still scar tissue - emotionally, I guess there's something about someone so familiar you can't let go - but beyond that, I'm content. And it's strange to say that, really, but I'm content. And melancholy. But, I mean, life right now is static.

I'm not restless, I have no burning passions to leave my town or to find a girlfriend or procreate as much as possible - I mean, I am still human. I still have lusts and desires and whatever, but suddenly gone from my life is this urge, this drive to move on with my life and grow up. I suppose, once I actually started growing up, I lost my foresight and I'm just confused, but content. I don't know where I'll end up. I used to have this image of myself in the future - successful, married, wealthy and still attractive. Now, every day is the present - and I've stopped worrying about the future. It's really all one thing at a time at this point...and like I've said, there's nothing - girls, lack thereof, classes, scholarships, work - that's driving me anymore. Everything is so boring...but maybe that's a good thing?

At least I'm not restless. Socially, or environmentally.

But philosophically, I'm always restless.

I guess, deep down inside, I crave something I don't know I want. Deep down inside, I'm never satisfied, but for now, I can settle for content.

-A

nuisance

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 18:52:10 GMT

You stole my thoughts and my heart and I want them back.

I hate bothering all of you about my issues. I hate being the selfish, self-centered emo little boy. But that's who I am. You've all been talking to me about it. All of you.

And I appreciate it.

I just have to realize things on my own, I guess.

I mean, I won't stop trying, with her I mean. Because that's the only answer I can really see right now that'll make me happy. But I know what I have to do and what I must overcome. It just takes time, and every day passes so slowly.

-A

And there is relief.

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 19:42:53 GMT

When people try to relate to your problems and comfort you with similar experiences, it usually does very little. You're so convinced that the situation is different in your case - that you're a different person - the nuances...

And you're right. They don't know exactly what you're going through, exactly how you feel, how you're acting and reacting. They don't, so in the end, they're not comforting, and you're left again in your dark corner of emotion.

But it's interesting that I still keep this around - this journal.

Because although the experiences and circumstances change, I guess...

It's a little more comfortable when the person relating his trouble to my own is...myself.

-A

I'm not much better but I'm trying.

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 19:30:10 GMT

I wish I took pictures of you so I could look at them longingly. The only things left are the faded memories in my mind. Without you, I'm incomplete.

I need you back in my life.

But I know it's not possible right now.

Or maybe ever.

-A

Eighteen days later

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 09:33:49 GMT

Eighteen days later I am still crushed. Eighteen days later I can't stop thinking about this girl, I can't stop wanting to be with her. Eighteen days later she insists that these feelings are not shared, but whenever the liquor touches her lips and loosens her tongue, she tells me she loves me. Eighteen days later she still toys with my heart, asking me to hang out late at night and then hanging out with another boy the next. Eighteen days later I can't take this pain anymore. Eighteen days later I can't take this hurt anymore. Eighteen days later I can't take this betrayal anymore.

Nineteen days ago I slept by your side. Nineteen days ago I kissed you and felt alive. Nineteen days ago I told you I loved you and I meant it. Nineteen days ago I told you you made me happy. And it was the truth. Nineteen days ago I kissed you upside down, I held your body, I looked into your eyes and nineteen days ago I was the happiest I have ever been.

And eighteen days later I am a wreck.

Eighteen days later I am waiting for this to fall apart.

Eighteen days later I hope that the next eighteen days will be better.

Eighteen days later I am not sure if I can last the next eighteen days, because...

Eighteen days later I have reached my limit.

-A